For many years, I have hidden a secret fetish from the world - I am addicted to slamming doors shut on my dick.
Stand outside my house on any given day and you'll hear the loud bangs and cries of delight as I repeatedly pulverise my genitals - but now I lie prostrate before the feet of the self-appointed high priests of political correctness.
The local hospital has always dutifully bandaged my mangled manhood, but they have now decreed that the cost of my boner-bashing behaviour is too great for the NHS to bear.
Naturally, I've launched a civil action to force them to attend to my needs - I am, after all, a tax payer, and if I wish to clatter my clockweights twixt door and jamb then they are obliged to respect my basic right to do so.
It's for that reason that I stand in solidarity with 16 year old Sarah Scott, who finds herself needlessly persecuted by the mullahs of public morality for her decision to wear a fucking annoying Abortion is Murder T-shirt to school.
Similarly, I fully support 16 year old Lydia Playfoot in her deeply honest and not at all disingenuous action against schools, demanding that they permit the wearing of creepy, Christian hands-off-my-hole rings.
Their self-important moral grandstanding is an example to all blubbing, worthless skin-sacks with a beef against reality.
The same goes for trinket-waving cretin Nadia Eweida, whose righteous quest to allow the open display of religious symbols amongst fucking trolley-dolleys has gratuitously wasted everybody's time and money.
And I fulsomely support Islamic hoodie Shabina Begum, whose non-politically motivated campaign to force schools to accept her headscarf has heartened fuckbrained, sobbing whingevictims nationwide.
Ladies, I salute your courage and your willingness to create a huge ruckus over bugger all.
You may rest assured that the next time I hammer my knackers in a desk drawer, I will be thinking of you.
Seigfreid was so annoyed by the school's broadsword ban that he decapitated himself in a blind rage.